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Renfaire Substitutes

Here's a little something that will help you relive those wonderful faire days. If you're not quite so eager to leave behind the Faire experience, you might try these at-home substitutions:


  1. Have a household member rev up a leaf blower outside your bedroom window just before dawn, so you won't miss the privy-suckers.
  2. Invite about 2,000 friends over, then try to walk from one end of your house to the other.
  3. Crank your heater up to 100 and stand in front of it wearing a sleeping bag for a skirt and a wool blanket for a shirt. Add a hat. Try to cool yourself by drinking warm rust-flavored water.
  4. Be drunk by 11 a.m. Sleep it off mid-day and start all over again at 4 p.m.
  5. Each day about 2 p.m., pile fine silt in front of a portable fan on a card table. Stand in front of the fan so the silt blows into your eyes. Every time it does, curse.
  6. Put pebbles all over the floors of your house. Wear thin-soled slippers as "shoes." Walk on the rocks for 8 hours straight.
  7. Charge your family $3.00 for iced tea and $5.00 for a baked potato.
  8. Sprinkle your toilet seat and bathroom floors with water and wet wadded tissue. Add a pile of fake vomit.
  9. When you undress at night, wad up your clothes and stash them outside. Sprinkle beer and dirt on them.
  10. And remember: Twice a day, with an expression of humble respect on your face, yell "God Shave The Queen!"